Grace, Social Media.

It's really hard for me to put in to words how I feel or what I want to say, 98% of the time.  I left Facebook nearly a year ago because I felt like it was a useless tool.  It was a way to be attacked, no matter what you said and context so often is lost in the written word.  Instagram became my little social media outlet.  I find that I am very drawn in to a story through photos.  (Add in sound/music and I'm a goner!)  because of my inability to communicate my heart clearly, I feel as though I've stopped expressing who I am, my passions and my beliefs because I've always been worried about offending others, or getting attacked for thinking differently or not in line with certain things.  

Growing up, I can honestly say that 95% of my happy memories were because of my extended family and the friends close enough to be family.  Watching their model of a family unit is what gave me an idea of how I wanted to raise my family.  I clung to it from an early age.  For me, church was more of an escape and a place of "normal" in the chaos that was my immediate family.  I took steps You would typically take to show your faith but I never really understood the foundation upon which I was trying to take root.  I ended up pushing away from church and while I was generally a "good" kid, I still ended up pregnant at 18.  

Let me first state that Rich and Sarah were two of the greatest things to ever happen in my life.  But I pushed further away from a relationship with God and I struggled to find me in the body of someone who never had time to figure that out.  It took a few years before I sat before Rich, already divorcing, and found God.  I'm so immeasurably thankful for what He and Rich started in my heart that night.  Then I met Nate and all the "stupid" choices that led to a "me that let the devil in far too often" woke up.  Not because I needed Nate but because I needed God more and Nate has shown so much acceptance through love and compassion, just as Christ does for us each and every day.  

I was baptized at our church nearly 7 years ago but it's only within the last year that I'm really understanding and diving deeper into His word.  I'm really learning a lot about grace, being in the present ("Be Still"), allowing God to work because I know that He has the greatest story planned for us.  So many days I've felt like this picture of Amelia James.  Looking up and crying, wondering "why" or "why me" but I've found that no matter the pain or heartbreak, the struggles at hand...I am always feeling a peace.  A peace I never before had but always longed to experience.  God works so subtly at times and every once in a while there's that slap in the face realization that He is there.  Always in control and always extending His grace.  

I'm so eternally grateful for the paths I've taken, even if it is hard to own up to some of my "mistakes."  As long as I keep fixing my eyes up, even when I feel like crying, I'll always have the comfort and peace of a relationship with my Heavenly Father.  God is so good, we just have to let Him in to our hearts.  I've found that social media can be filled with love and I wake each day taking in the words and photos of some pretty amazing men and women that inspire me.  They encourage me to deepen my love and understanding of God and yet, I haven't even met most of them in person.  It's amazing what a village can do.  

I'm a work in progress.  I'll always be a work in progress.  Instead of trying to force all the pieces of me together how I want, I've surrendered all those pieces to Him and I'm finally letting Him do his work in me.  For good or bad, those pieces are His to put together and that is pure joy.