In past years, the events of this year would have likely sent me into depression and despair. I would have been bitter and angry. I would have lashed out at any small thing because it's so easy to have a sharp tongue when you're hurt. To say things out of anger instead of thanks. I don't always say things out of love but I'm working on getting there. I find my natural instinct to people not understanding me is to be defensive and during the last several months I've tried so hard to "let go and let God."
If we are honest, one of the hardest things to happen this year was realizing that someone I thought was my best friend, whom was there with me for three of my children's births, wasn't really a friend. It had been a year in coming. Sometimes people fall away from eachother, go in different directions and move apart in ways that aren't worth salvaging. Rather than respond harshly to some pretty cruel words, I ignored it and let it go. I prayed and I felt great comfort and felt that I had made the right choice to leave. Deep down I knew that these weren't people I wanted my children to mimic. I found I was often much angrier or upset AFTER going to her with something that upset me. Doesn't that speak volumes? Sometimes God answers us and guides us to a more positive journey in life, when we give it ALL back to him and let him lead our hearts.
I've found that there are trials that can down right break your heart. My brother was driving to his doctor because he had not felt "right." He drove over an hour, and minutes from the hospital, he had a sudden, massive heart attack. He had not had signs of a heart attack, no chest pain or typical warning signs. In days leading up to this event, he just didn't feel "good." Well, he crashed his truck through a garage and into an SUV. When the paramedics arrived, he was in cardiac arrest and not breathing. It took over 50 minutes to get his heart to beat again. They worked tirelessly on him. I've done CPR on a patient for over an hour before and let me tell you, it's exhausting. It's hard work and very physically and emotionally draining.
It took several hours for anyone to be notified of the accident. My sister in law rushed to the hospital to find her husband on life support. He had aspirated in the accident, causing pneumonia. They put cooling blankets on him and kept his temperature very low for about 36 hours. Nothing helped bring back the brain function he had lost. His cerebellum worked but not at a level to sustain life without assistance. He was no longer Scott the father, brother, husband and tireless provider that he once was. That part had been lost.
His wife called and the second I heard her voice, I knew. My sister, Amelia James and I were on a plane to SeaTac within three hours. My sister's mother in law pooled her flight miles and got us tickets. We were packed and out the door in record timing. We made it there to spend many hours at our brother's side. God could have called him home before we arrived. Instead, God gave the family time to gather, rally and give vital love and support to Scott and his family.
God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we would like. Even with all the prayers and faith, Scott was being called out of his earthly body. The doctors took him off life support at 6:30pm on October 30. They told us he would only live for minutes. He fought. He held on to his body. His twin five year old daughters got to see their Daddy "sleeping" and without tubes. One of the girls snuggled into his chest and felt his breaths and heart beat under her head. We took his fingerprints to make into charms and key chains. We all stood together with people brought together by this tragic event and we prayed. I've never seen an ICU waiting room so full of life and love. He fought to stay for nearly six hours but passed at 12:22am on October 31.
It bears repeating that God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want. It's a hard pill to swallow, knowing that He is in full control and has had our life planned out even before we were known in our Mother's bellies. I know, without a doubt, He doesn't intend to cause us pain and life has to end at some point. Even needlessly in our human eyes. However, God gave this family time to accept. To come together. To whisper promises to care for his wife and daughters into Scott's ear. To say things that needed to be said and give hugs that needed to be given. He could have taken Scott the second he had a heart attack but He have us the gift of time.
In the days after his death, I saw his adopted daughters anger. She was upset at her teenage self for how she behaved in the weeks before his death. She was angry with God and mad that anyone could give condolences with a spiritual message. It broke my heart. If we can give it all to God when it's easy but not when it's hard, how are we living the life He asks of us? I've prayed they would find strength and comfort. I've prayed their anger will subside and they may see that the pain they feel is correlated to the pain God feels every time someone turns away from Him. I'm giving it fully back to God and thanking Him, even in the heartache, fear and sadness. For the first time, I'm feeling comfort and strength in my trials.
I can't do this on my own. I need God in my life more than I've ever wanted to admit. I'm truly opening my heart and soul and listening to His word in a way that makes me hunger for more. Through every trial, I've always come back to one scripture. It captures the love and power that is so freely given from our Lord and Saviour.
"My Grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
God gives us grace and by His grace and mercy, we are saved through faith. Having faith has a new meaning to me and I'm watching myself evolve into someone that is more of what He wants me to be and less of who I think I should be. I'm going to continue to work on me through my faith in Him. I truly believe I will continue to be happier because I give Him glory in good AND bad. He can turn our pain and suffering into something beautiful, if we just let it blossom through faith.
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